How to Praise Children in a Way That Builds Real Confidence

By Dr Georgia Meisel, Child Psychologist at Kidswell Health

Praise is powerful.

It can shape how children see themselves, how they face challenges, and how they relate to others. But the type of praise we use matters.

In early childhood, children are still developing their sense of self. They look to the adults around them for clues about what’s important, how to behave, and how to feel about themselves.

Even the everyday things we say, like “Good job!”, influence that developing identity. And while there’s nothing wrong with a “Good job!”, there are other, more meaningful ways to praise that can build deeper, longer-lasting confidence.

What the research says about praising children effectively

Studies show that praise focused on effort, persistence, and specific behaviours helps children develop what psychologists call a growth mindset.

That means children are more likely to:

• Keep going when things are hard
  
• See mistakes as part of learning
  
• Feel proud of their progress – not just seek external approval
  

In contrast, general praise like “You’re so clever” or “That’s amazing!” can sometimes make children more cautious. They may avoid challenges or worry about disappointing others if they don’t “get it right.”

So, what should we try to say instead?

Here are four simple, evidence-informed ways to tweak praise in everyday life.

1. Be specific

Rather than saying “Good boy!” or “Nice work!”, try describing what you actually saw:

• “You waited so patiently for your turn, that was kind.”
  
• “You used so many colours in your drawing. You had such a creative idea.”
  

Why it works: Specific praise helps children understand exactly what they did well, so they can do it again. It also builds their vocabulary for describing themselves and their actions.

2. Praise the process, not the person

Instead of focusing on fixed traits (“You’re so smart!”), focus on the effort or strategy used:

• “You kept trying, even when it got tricky, that shows persistence.”
  
• “You tried a different way when it didn’t work the first time, that’s problem-solving!”
  

Why it works: This builds resilience and reduces fear of failure. It teaches children that effort matters more than perfection.

3. Support internal motivation

Encourage your child to tune into how they feel, not just how proud you are:

• “You looked really proud when you finished that, how did it feel?”
  
• “It seemed like you were really enjoying building that tower!”
  

Why it works: Children begin to connect with their own sense of satisfaction and build confidence that isn’t dependent on adult approval.

4. Name qualities and values

Rather than only praising outcomes (“That’s perfect!”), notice who they’re being:

• “You were really gentle when helping your friend.”
  
• “That was brave, trying something new even though you weren’t sure.”
  

Why it works: Naming values like kindness, courage, and curiosity supports a stronger, more grounded self-image.

Easy praise swaps

What about when you’re tired and out of words?

Parenting is constant work, and no one gets it right all the time. If “Good job!” is all that comes out, that’s fine too.

What matters is consistency over perfection. Even small shifts in how praise is given can make a real difference.

A helpful mindset to keep in mind:
“What do I want my child to notice about themselves right now?”
This helps shift the focus from just outcomes to effort, values, and emotions.

Final thoughts

There’s so much pressure on parents and caregivers to say the “right” thing and raise emotionally intelligent children.

But children don’t need perfect parents. They need adults who are present, curious, and willing to reflect and adapt.

Praise isn’t about always having the exact right words. It’s about helping children feel seen and valued, not just for what they do, but for who they are becoming.

Even a few moments of intentional praise each day can help build a child’s self-worth from the inside out.

Need support?

If you’re unsure how to best support your child’s confidence, emotional development, or behaviour, our child psychologists at Kidswell Health are here to help.

We offer expert, evidence-based support for families navigating parenting challenges, from toddlerhood through to adolescence.

📞 Call 020-3011-1843 or
📧 Email reception@kidswellhealth.com to book an appointment or find out more.